India…a beginners guide to the quirky bits.

Now I’ve beenhere a while and had a chance to get a feel for the place, here are a few observations that may be of help to anyone new to India to understand how the place works.

·         There are 1.1 billion people in India and you are only one of them. Don’t expect either it or them to change just for you!

·         A moped CAN carry a family of 5
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·         How many people can you fit on a tractor? About 7…and another 30 in the trailer. Who needs taxis?!

·         The power will go off mid afternoon and early evening just when you are in the middle of something. This is one of the most reliable predictions you can make about India. (The power is turned off in certain areas at certain times of the day as the supply can not meet demand)

·         India water systems are erratic, unpredictable and cold. “Hot running water” in India basically means tepid. Water is stored in tanks on the roof and warmed by the sun. 

·         India is never quiet, even in the country there are people popping up in unexpected places. Whatever you do, expect an audience, especially children who will want their photo taken. Once they get to know you, they won’t ask for Rupees in exchange.

These are my particular friends who used to meet up with me each day as I was walking the dogs.
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Painted hands for Diwali
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The girls sew fancy ribbons for sale as they walk around herding their goats all day. Indian women learn to multi-task at an early age.
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·         Beware of enchanting children who ask where you come from and then gabble “Luvvely jubbley, sound as a pound, Harry Potter, Queen Elizabeth…” They will lull you into a false sense of camaraderie and then ask you to buy a chapatti for them. This seems harmless enough so you agree and then get route marched to the place they say is best where they grab a full sack of flour, hoist it onto their head, run off home and leave you to foot the bill. I was forewarned and after 3 meetings with the same little bloke, we struck up quite a good friendship on the agreement that I wasn’t playing ball.

·         “When a man unexpectedly gives you flowers…” it’s nothing to do with your perfume. It’s a signal to the money grabbing priests down at the Ghats to offer to do Puja for you, ask you to add up your family members to bless and then charge you per dozen! If you want to engage in this blessing ceremony, bypass the men with flowers and find yourself a reputable priest who will do it for a donation of about 20-50 Rupees.

·         If you are of a nervous disposition, pay no attention to the electrical spaghetti hanging from the telegraph poles. You’ll only upset yourself. Probably best to avoid the power points too as bare wires in sockets are perfectly normal. However, I was particularly pleased with my own Heath Robinson construction when I found my plug adaptor pins were too small to stay in the socket and charge my mobile phone. Amazing what you can do with a curtain rail bracket and a piece of pink ribbon (see below).
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·         Everyone plays music as they drive at a truly ear splitting decibel level. Even tractors have radios blasting out Indian tunes and you can hear them coming form a distance of about half a mile!

·         If it stays still long enough the Indians will Puja it. This goes for lorries, cows, buffalos, goats, camels and people.
Draft ox with painted horns.
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Buffalo with orange handprints on them.
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·         Indian toilets come in two types; holes in the ground a ceramic "seat" set around the rim with ridged foot treads on for grip and, western loos. There is a hybrid of the two that you will occasionally encounter, consisting of a western loo with a foot-tread seat. Ladies, it’s probably best to “hover” rather than climb aboard in case you get vertigo and slip off!

·         On the subject of toilets, it may take you a minute or two to realise the presence of a low down water tap, a jug and bucket and the distinct lack of toilet paper are related! What Mary dubbed “the ubiquitous bucket” has many uses, from an impromptu shower to somewhere to do your washing. And the jug? Well that’s the toilet paper. Put simply, after going to the lavatory, Indians prefer to wash. You can get toilet paper no problem for about 50 Rupees, which is about 60p a roll but this puts it into the luxury category for most families. You also have to be aware that the “hole in the floor type squat toilets” don’t have a flush and you use the jug or the bucket to pour water down to flush them. They soon clog solid if you put loo roll down them so if you are staying somewhere without a western toilet, you either take a big bag with you every time you go to the loo, or learn to master the jug!

·         Learn to appreciate the sound of beeping horns. It is the done thing and as long as you can hear them, you know you are still alive!
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They are the soundtrack to India’s roads. There are eardrum shattering air horns, horrible grating high-pitched lorry horns, standard car horns and some bizarre quacking ones on scooters that sound just like a strangled duck. The use of the horn is generally not taken personally and road rage (other than our experience leaving the airport car park, is rare. Apart from scooty’s on quiet roads never attempt to drive yourself. The rules of the Indian road are genetically programmed into the native population and then guard them carefully. If you study well you may work out how it all comes together.... and then someone does something so utterly bizarre (like drive the wrong way up a 3 lane highway to get to a café the other side and no-one bats an eyelid) and then you realise that driving in India is a private joke that only the privileged few are let in on after a long apprenticeship. Walking is marginally easier. The basic rule is if you hear a horn beep behind you, step as far to the left as possible, and watch out for cow pats and open drains at the same time.

Driving in India…some interesting statistics

Brenda was reading the Times of India one morning and remarked that there were 1900 deaths in Delhi alone each year from traffic accidents. I didn’t think this was as high as it could be, taking into account the driving, the sheer size of the population of the city and the proportion of vehicles to people (and animals) on the roads.
Once I got home, I was still curious about this figure so I decided to look into it. The figures I found are for 2005 but should be reasonably representative.

According to the statistics I found, giving a league table of international TRA deaths, India had a population of 1.1 billion and 90,000 deaths a year with a trend of 7.5% and a death per capita figure of 8.3% in 2004.

The UK had population of 60.3 million and 3.221 deaths a year with a trend of 7.9% and a death per capita figure in 2004 of 5.34%. So, statistically, India’s rate is improving and ours is getting worse.
Before anyone casts aspersions on the Indians driving, it’s probably worth mentioning that Albania has a figure of 21.2% deaths and at 31.4%, it it’s hardly worth leaving the house if you live in Macedonia. Unless there is some other mitigating factor, their driving must be truly appalling as they only have a population of 2 million!